idntty.cry.sis

How to make your son less effeminate...

2011-10-08T14:49:00.000-04:00

Dont.

The Cart Before the Horse?

2011-10-08T14:35:00.000-04:00

I thought I needed to have sex so I did.

Thing is I had sex with this guy--we'll call him Mo'house--who, under different circumstances would have been freakin' awesome in spite of his conservative ways. (Mo'house posted a poem in my comments section a couple posts down and the sex wasnt shit like that poem) On paper we match. In 3D, not so much. Maybe that wouldn't be so if the cart had not come before the horse as he put it. Without the sex and with our attributes on paper we'd be the ultimate team, romantic, platonic, or otherwise. But that's not what happened. Two people with intelligence, ambition, and moral bones in their bodies decided to do something they both knew would be a bad idea.

The sex sucked.
No head.
No kissing.
No noise. #WTF

And not because neither of us could perform. Like I said, Mo'House is conservative and somewhat of a control freak. Had there been the right connection and concurring objectives then I think it would have been good or at least better. I knew the first week we were in contact that we were headed straight to nowhere because we didn't have the same objectives. He was fresh out of a monogamous relationship that was still lingering and wasn't looking to date. I was three years single, ready to be in relationship, on a year long drought. Of course since undergrad I've been all carpe diem so yea, there aren't too many things I wouldn't try once, including sex without an emotional connection. I figured I should see what it's like. I came (not literally), I saw, and it was wack. For me an emotional connection can make the wackest stroke or lack of sexual chemistry seem like heaven.

I now know that it's not for me.

I don't profess to know everything about detached or casual sex. I've never had a one night stand, or accidental sex, but I have had sex with people I wasn't committed to. And I have friends who have casual sex and one night stands. Before I engaged with Mo'house it all sounded and seemed so empty. I found that it was and well, I don't see myself doing that again.

Until the opportunity I'm looking for presents itself I'll be abstaining--drought or no drought.

Randomisms: It's been a while

2011-10-04T17:00:00.000-04:00

Writing seems to come easiest when I'm angry and focused. What is that about?
Why do my friends who are most likely to die of a disease such as cancer show the most resistance against preventative methods such as change in diet and lifestyle?
I notice that people become cynical and hostile when I talk about eating healthy.
I love mixtape rappers, but once they put out LPs I can't listen anymore. YMCMB Drake is nothing like mixtape Drizzy.
I found out the hard way that I can't tell a guy that I'm ending our relationship. They get all stalkerish and act entitled to my attention.
Fresh garlic is the shit... except when you're having a face to face conversation. #freshbreathefail
I may be living in the Dominican Republic for the next year. God I hope this works out.
Speaking of Drake, my ex had my name tatted on his back. I wouldn't wish that kind of pressure on my worst enemy. He clearly thought I would do the same. #NoSir. Doesn't mean I didn't love his dirty drawls tho.
Learning spanish and french at the same time is lowkey difficult.
Then men in Atlanta are sexy as hell... yes, I know many of them are gay and that ATL has the largest gay black male population in the U.S. That fact doesn't make them less attractive.
Living in GA and being around all the huge families makes me want to start my tribe. Eggs stay screamin'!
I'm doing almost everything I want to do. What about you?
I want to follow some new people on twitter. Any suggestions?
I wonder if these #occupywallstreet people have a plan. WTF is up?
I'll start my locs when I'm ready. I'm not ready yet.

Just Watch: The Century of Self

2011-08-15T16:05:00.000-04:00

Having taken a class in gender and consumer culture this documentary was right on time.

My question is how come I've never heard of Edward Bernays?

When is he ever discussed?

How relevant is this, still?

2011-06-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

Although within the movie this conversation is undermined by the fact that Skipper never left his wife I have to point out that this conversation is still happening and still very relevant. And if the stats are correct and my senses are still sharp our predicament with regard to black relationships has worsened. I wonder, however, the ways in which interracial dating has changed. It seems that black women are now more likely to date outside their race/ethnicity, but to what extent and why?

#anoteonthemovie This may be true for all "Spike Lee Joints" where women only occupy supporting roles, but their characters are never as complex as the male characters. In Jungle Fever, Skipper's wife just flips out about his infidelity but there's little context, consistency, or explanation about her character's feelings with regard to his infidelity and the fact that her husband cheated with a white Italian woman. The movie touches on her color complex and feelings of insignificance. Skipper, however, gets to explore his curiosity and uncertainties around infidelity and interracial relationships.

Spike Lee Joints always give me a lot to think about.

Maybe I'm whining.

It's been a while....

2011-05-22T21:21:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted anything in almost a month. I think that's understandable considering that I just moved to an entirely different region, got a new job, new friends, and ultimately a new life. Frankly, things have been moving too fast for me to keep up with my usual blogging. I just did a 180, one that was planned and is now being executed beautifully. My life went from 0 to 8 in a month. All kinds of doors and opportunities have opened and emerged and really excited to see how things turn out. I now manage 10 social networking pages with few hours in the day. Thank you all for being patient with me. I should be blogging regularly soon enough. I need to.

Just wanted to share...

2011-04-23T02:38:00.000-04:00

If you've been following then you I know I'm moving to another state, finishing school, starting a new job, and getting comfy with myself. Because of all this I can't post like I want to so I figured I'd share something that caught my attention. I love her.

Erykah Badu: Love Story from noMSG on Vimeo.

Are you sure they're not talking about you: College Girls Are Not Exempt

2011-04-10T13:03:00.003-04:00

(skip to 8:00)

Ever since my visit to Atlanta I've been really intrigued by two songs--"Boo" by Yo Gotti feat. Tity Boi and "Goin Steady" by Rocko. Aside from the hypnotic beats and catchy melodies, the messages I picked up on stopped me in my tracks. As an introduction to "Goin Steady" Rocko states:

hey my name is Rocko and im an addict, im addicted to money i love fast cars, i love jewelry, i love pussy but i dont love these women i dont know what it is about me i dont know i just cant do it i just cant help i refuse to be in a commited relationship because i just i just dont like that shit ya kno im sorry i need help

What struck me instantly about this song is the fact that the artist is aware of the difference between loving pussy and women, and that he doesn't love women and therefore cannot be in a relationship. And most importantly, he knows it's a problem--"I just don't like that shit...I'm sorry I need help." What's interesting about this is Rocko was recently engaged to the perpetually lovesick RnB artist Monica. She ended the relationship because of his infidelity. Additionally, in a discussion about the song with some guys me and my homegirl met up with after the club, one guy said, "that's the story of every college relationship." Word? Having always been in exclusive relationships during undergrad me and my homegirl didn't have that experience.

What alarmed me is the fact that this is normal and according Rocko, it's a desirable situation for a heteronormative man. Furthermore, in a twitter discussion a friend and I were going back and forth about what kind of girl he was talking about. My friend said that it could be inferred that the artist was talking about groupies. I retorted that while that may be his understanding that is not what the artist says. Rocko never makes any reference to a particular type of girl who would engage in a casual, non-exclusive, sexual relationship.

This is where Yo Gotti comes into play.

In "Boo", doesn't have a clear thesis or message, the point seems to be that the artist doesn't know the girl's name but he likes her and prospect of them having sex--she's just not important enough for him to remember her real name. Gotti makes it a point to mention college girls in his songs. He does this in "Boo" and "Five Star Chick".

These two songs make me think about the consonant mother-whore expectation of women. It also makes me think about how women are referred to in hip-hop songs historically--hoe, bitch, gold-digger, and other misogynistic terms having to do with women only wanting material benefits. What's interesting about these two songs is the absence of typical derogatory terms. The lyrics are essentially still misogynistic but there seems to be a recognition that women take care of themselves and don't necessarily need men for material benefits, and maybe even sexual needs. Rocko, however, highlights perceived emotional needs of women and the fact that he doesn't want to be responsible for providing emotional support or benefits. So now that the golddiggers are out the way, let's get rid of the women who actually like you and want to spend time with you. On the other hand, Gotti isn't opposed to human interaction. He doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship, but desires to be with a woman who is educated.

What I took from this is that Gotti and Rocko make misogyny and objectification inclusive of all women. YES--even the educated, self-sufficient, and respectable--no one is exempt. One can no longer say, "he aint talkin about me" or "it's not directed at me, personally", as stated in the Byron Hurt clip. Disrespect, misogyny, objectification isn't just denoted by the word "bitch". Furthermore, in this instance, one's education, class, and economic status does not save her from being treated as less than human. Remember when David Banner wanted natural hair, dark-skinned women in his video? #FML

Does this represent a shift in gender relations?

Do we have a new understanding of how economics shape gender?

Will we be able to buy our way out of our lower position?

Is this even a response to black women's economic power?

How will we learn to love each other?

Are our interactions really that limited?

Randomism: The End is Near

2011-04-07T21:45:00.000-04:00

1. I move to another city and state in 16 days. I'm anxious, excited, and exhausted--but ready. Got any big plans?

2. Going veggie is an adventure and it's one that I'm enjoying.

3. I've learned how to completely immerse myself in my interests, goals, and desires. I thank god and the universe for that knowledge. What have you learned to do lately?

4. I've been on a documentary spree these last few days--America the Beautiful, Why We Laugh, and Food Inc. I can no longer watch fiction movies.

5. The Teen Mom 2 reunion was awful. I been holdin' Dr. Drew down since Love Line and he let me down during the reunion. MTV obviously has some kind of agenda. The show went from being exploratory and interesting to straight entertainment... and not in a good way.

6. Listening to Frank Ocean reminds me that I haven't had sex in 11 months... #GodHelpMe

7. On the other hand, I have no interest in dating or even communicating with men... well except for one...

8. I am so tired of school. #thatisall

9. Sorry this is so dry. I'm not feeling it, but I have to write even if I don't feel like it.

10. Being fearless, vulnerable, and responsible is a must for me, but I need from other people. I feel starved if I don't receive that from others. One of my best friends and I had a moment. I will be living with her soon and for now it seems like we're perfect for each other.

11. For the last two months I've been grindin', tryna get my money right and I can't say I'm having a good time, but I know what the mission is and it won't be like this forever.

12. My friend needs a kidney. I hope she gets it.

13. I pray for the day when it will be okay for people, and especially black men to be vulnerable and honest.

14. I'm thinking of getting rid of my cell phone.

15. I wonder if I'm doing enough...

2011-04-03T23:48:00.001-04:00

2011-03-30T10:03:00.005-04:00

I think I'm Growing Up...

2011-03-28T02:06:00.001-04:00

Last week three things occurred that made me question what I value at this time and the choices that have been informed by those values.

I have decided not to pursue a career in academia or higher education. I am quitting my job and moving to Atlanta to break into the beauty and wellness industries. I'm in my mid-twenties, I have a master's degree and much of my work experience is in retail and higher education. I want to live a healthy, simple, but exciting life. Thus far I've gone above and beyond what is expected of a poor young black girl. Now I'm going to do what I want to do--what I feel in bones.

The other day me, my boss, and coworkers had a recruitment table set up in the student center for the program I work for. My homegirl/classmate walked by and we spoke. We'd just gotten back from spring break. She was glowing. THANK GOD. Before the break we had a heart to heart about grad school, the world, healing, how the walls seemed to be caving in and how we see ourselves. She was thanking me again for the talk. She was telling me that she had made the decision to lease a car and was paying the bill with the rent money from the house she owns. *RECORD SCRATCH* I was like wait, hold up, you own a house? This was surprising because I don't know ANY black girls, single, age 24 who own houses. I was impressed and gave her props. I told her about getting hired in a natural salon in ATL, and she big'd me up. But then the competition, ego, and insecurity in me began to question why I didn't own a home at 25. Crazy, right?

Later that day, my new boss said he was thinking about me and what I planned to do. I had told him earlier in the week that I planned to put in my two week notice next month. He recognized that I had a master's degree and that current work wasn't commensurate with my experience. My boss tried to get me to stay. He offered me a salaried position that had just opened up. I said no. Then he proceeded to try and sell me. Why do you have to move to Atlanta? Why does it matter where you live, you wont leave the office until 8 p.m. anyway?

Throughout that same day me and my homegirl, Tre, who I'm about to move in with, were having a text convo about her new dude. Get this. He's friends with and a former roommate of The Homie. I was telling her about my new criteria for love and dating and whatnot, but she felt compelled to call me up and tell me about her and dude. I'm a listener. Apparently, he was abreast of the situation with me and The Homie. According to her he randomly inserted a comment about us, stating that had me and The Homie had sex it would have loosened up some of our tension. This still makes me laugh. On some level I totally agree, but I don't operate like that. I want to address and revel in the tension, not cure or circumvent the tension. To be honest The Homie hasn't left my mind for more than 5 seconds. The fact that we have several connections to each other doesn't make this any easier. I have to get this shit off my heart because there are no signs of this disappearing on its own. We will see. I don't know what will happen with me and The Homie, but what I do know is that I had to step off for a minute for my spiritual health and development. Once I feel strong enough I'll address him head on.

See, I have principles and they have become most important to me as of the last year of so. I know that sticking to my principles is leading me to where and how I want to be. I got insecure about someone being younger than me owning a home, but then I remembered that owning a home was not part of my plan. I've seen the best and worst of homeownership. It's not for me, not now. If I own a space it will not be for my use. I have a master's degree and professionally I was on the student affairs track, but I know my heart isn't in it. I made the decision to go for what I enjoy and see myself growing in. I will not work a job that does not allow me time/space to give back to myself. Furthermore, I just did 3 years in a city that I that I do not want to be in. I am not happy here. As for my relationship with The Homie... I was not happy with the way we interacted. It went against my principles so I deaded it. Right now I'm too weak to address the situation. Trusting myself and supporting my decisions without all the doubt and second guessing let me know that I'm making progress. Things are much clearer now. I know what I must do and putting those things into action...

I'm proud of myself

Have you stuck to your guns lately? How so?

Have you thought about who you want to be holistically? What did you come up with?

How did you learn to trust yourself?

2011-03-09T19:13:00.002-05:00

On De-Friending...

2011-03-06T22:54:00.003-05:00

The other night I told "The Homie" we couldn't be friends anymore. Shit hurt like hell. It was too confusing, too inconsistent, and in the way of my personal progress, there were no clear boundaries or objectives and that made me uneasy and distrustful, which is never okay. He the type to be perceptive and responsible when it serves his momentary personal interest. I let that shit happen. I couldn't mess with it anymore.

It was amicable. We laughed at the oddness of the situation. He said, "this isn't facebook, you don't just de-friend people." I know he wanted an explanation--one with hard, cold empirical evidence, but I wasn't ready to go down that road and he wasn't ready to hear it, no matter how many questions he asked. Actually I think his questions were indicative of his unwillingness to confront the fogginess of our friendship. This was about me anyway. He has to deal with his own shit. If he came to me and began to talk, honestly and openly without asking me any questions I would listen and talk back if he wanted me to. I realized a while ago that I couldn't show him anything. He would have to seek and find for himself. I also know that this should have happened a long time ago... I mean like the first 6 months... Warning signs was TEN--feel me?

Our relationship wasn't facilitating my work, personal, professional, or otherwise. And although I didn't do much to keep the relationship going I am still complicit in my uneasiness and perpetuation of something I did not trust. What we share naturally--which I can't even put a name on--was too big and beyond our maturity levels to cultivate. In retrospect I wonder if trying to explain would have been helpful, but I felt too deep in to try and save it. And I'm still not sure about what I would have said. I expect to be much clearer about things with time.

See, I know what open and honest relationships look and feel like because I have them (Peace to Jobie). The ones that aren't that I let go of. I've let go of 4 people in the last year. When I feel like I can't trust you; or won't be supported and lifted up in my decisions; or like I can't live, then it ain't for me. I'm not saying I'm the most open and honest person cuz heaven knows I can be cryptic. And like other human beings when I feel threatened I try to protect myself. But I know my silence won't keep me. I have made major strides in being open and honest. Just ask Nina. She knows. Puttin' the shit in the air has proven to be a better method of protection and transformation anyway...

Have you had to take responsibility lately?

What it feel like?

This one hurt the most...

Damn Weezy...

2011-03-03T19:53:00.003-05:00

I had to post this. Ten year old black girls holding an international rap superstar accountable for his misogyny and recklessness is priceless. Beyond that I think they hold everybody accountable. Part of my own struggle with being human is my attachment to misogynistic rap. If you've been following my blog then you know commercial rap at its worst is hard for me to let go of. It's not all a listen to of course, but it's like alcohol, I wanna stop drinking, but I'm afraid I wont have a good time without it...

Do we have to feel sex?: A response to a critique of "Uses of the Erotic"

2011-03-02T02:28:00.002-05:00

I haven't completely developed this argument, but here goes. I just read Audre Lorde's essay "Uses of the Erotic" and then a critique of it, which can be found here. Call me old school or complimentary, but I have yet to disagree with Lorde, especially in this essay. I do realize that my intellectual gender/sexuality knowledge may need some work, but i think kept in context it is hard to disagree w/ Lorde.

The critique pulled out the relationship between pornography and eroticism, arguing that (1) pornography can be erotic especially with the variety of options available today; and (2) that one may prefer sensation without feeling and that there's nothing wrong with that preference. I feel like the critique took the essay's purpose out of context, but that's to be expected when one pulls out one element to focus on. I know that the writer was specifically focusing on pornography and desire. However, the purpose of the essay may have been lost in focusing on the example, especially since Lorde's discussion of porno was so vague and general.

I understood Lorde's definitions of pornographic and erotic to be broad, but useful within and outside of sex, which is important to the argument. A major part of the critique was that Lorde desexualizes pornography and the erotic, but I think what Lorde does is sexualize the spiritual and emotional. Lorde makes it okay for those things to exist together. She makes sure to connect sex to life beyond the physical realm and this, I think, is in response to how people and, for example, the porn industry largely treat sex and sexuality and their fear in addressing desire. And while the essay focuses on men/women, hetero/homo, and POC/white which was a sign of the times, I think it still applies to all gender and sexual identities.

Do I think it is important to feel sex and address desire regardless of contradiction? Yes. Your connection to other people and how those connections happen inform how you treat them and yourself.

My question is what is one's investment in sensation without feeling?

Black men x dark skin x self-esteem

2011-02-12T20:34:00.001-05:00

I Could Write a Million Posts About Mississippi Damned

2011-02-09T11:31:00.001-05:00

My roommate and I just finished watching a really heavy movie, Mississippi Damned. Btw, On Demand is freakin' awesome. Anyhow, the movie was set in a small town in Mississippi during the late 1980s and 1990s. It's a coming of age type movie about girl who grows up watching her family struggle with a whole slew of issues. And these were issues that many families deal with regularly especially poor black people--sexual abuse, domestic violence, homosexuality, unemployment, mental illness, substance abuse, gambling, poor health--yeah, the whole shebang.

The main character, Carrie, is loved and brought up by her entire family, but she also witnesses the abuse firsthand and is sexually abused by her older male cousin, Sammy. Once she becomes a young adult her dreams of attending NYU for music get put on hold in order for her to support her mother who has breast cancer. Much of the family, beat up by life and unable to fulfill their own dreams, inadvertently hold Carrie back. Each member seemed to be limited by their history, location, lack of confidence, vision, beliefs, and family support.

This film is important to me because it demonstrate what many of us come realize about family. We don't get to choose the families we're born into. Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes not. It made me think about why my own mother and fathers were distant from their family members who were close in proximity. As an adult I realize to engage with my family beyond holidays was not in my best interest. Luckily, I realized that many people have also realized this, in addition to the fact that we can create our own families--that we NEED to create our own families.

The film also demonstrated what happens when those closest to you believe in you and invest in spite of their own situations. Carrie's aunt who had diabetes killed herself by overdosing on medication. She had recently been fired from her factory job and cashed in on her pension. She wrote Carrie a check for $25,000 so she could leave and attend school. In many ways the aunt saved Carrie from what was sure to be an impoverished future. I know that example is extreme, but investments come in many forms. Thank God/the Universe for them...

Many have invested in me and I did the same in the ways I know how...

Who invested in you?

Who have you invested in?

Kudos to Tina Mabry for a wonderful movie...

God Help Me...

2011-02-06T20:25:00.002-05:00

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.” —Sigmund Freud

Randomism: January Recap...

2011-01-26T14:48:00.003-05:00

These lists serve as a way to organize what big ideas and events into thesis statements or "soundbites". I've had a lot on my mind lately and I know I need to write it down, but I dont know where to start. Most of these items are things I want to expound on later. Here goes...

1. Birthday stuff. I celebrated my 25th birthday at the beginning of the month. It was amazing, as usual, especially since one of my gifts was a ticket to see Lauryn Hill at the House of Blues in Chicago. I finally drank whiskey, played spades and taboo, and went bowling. Amazing, right?

2. Relationships, friends, and trust. Trusting myself has proven to be quite helpful with regard to my highly complex relationships. A very good friend of mine proposed that we try out a relationship *whispers "a romantic one". We went back and forth about it, but I was hesistant and I pretty much said no. I dont care what anyone says. He and I were not ready for that--not with each other. The events that have occurred since then are proof. I'm hurt and I think he is too. The problem is I think he thinks he's protecting himself by jabbing me. Wrong. The interesting thing about this situation is that we really know each other so there's nowhere to tuck your feelings. One is usually able to read the other. Until there's space for an honest conversation I doubt that we'll communicate.

3. On a personal epiphany. "Ima need you and your friends to stop assuming you're normal." "You're atypical." "You're different." This is what I hear pretty regularly from people when discussing social and culture issues and I think I finally get it...

4. On change. I know this sounds super cliche but in order to change things about the self, one must change everything around them. It is so easy to say I want to be different, but then continue to do what affirms and reinforces the current self.

5. On diet and lifestyle. While it may not seem like the case to those who know me, I have always suspected that my health would be better if I ate less meat and more veggies and fruits. Now that I've done some research on veganism as it relates to black women in the U.S. I have decided that will be the direction that I move in. Part of the reason I couldnt sustain vegetarianism the first time I tried is because I didnt have the support, the knowledge, or a reason other than physical health. I was conscious of where it fit into my life and how I see the world. Now that I have some kind of personal philosophy I realize that veganism and being intentional about my diet falls right in line with how I want to live. And I suspect that it will become an integral part of my life. #duh

6. On Lauryn Hill. You already know how I feel about L Boogie. Renting a car, driving 10+ hours, purchasing an extra ticket, paying $30 for valet and waiting in below zero weather is definitely a testament of my love for her. Her personality, performance, and punctuality only solidified my status as a fan. I'm getting chills writing about this.

7. On being read. I think for the first time in my life I was read... correctly. People have tried over the years to regurgitate me back to me, but I've never agreed with their interpretations. In my opinion the few times that people have tried to read me the readings were highly gendered and inaccurate--"your a girl so X is what you do." About 2 weeks ago a friend of mine who I've spent a moderate amount of time with provided the most accurate and thoughtful reading of me I've ever heard. Being read accurately was slightly uncomfortable, unexpected, but amusing and maybe even short of amazing. I learned early on that I could read people and situations, control my readability, and what was being read. The person who read me I suspect has similar capacity for awareness of self, others, and situations. I think in some ways I wanted him to read me. In many ways being read "accurately" is affirming because you know that someone else sees your mostly how you see yourself, and because it lets you know that you're conveying the messages that you want to convey.

8. On race and race relations. I'm finally getting that "only black person in class" experience. I've already had the "only black girl in class" experience. It should be interesting. I will admit, however, being the only black person in class can be either intimidating or encouraging depending on confidence levels and familiarity with class materials. Also, I've said this before, but organizing along racial lines does not work. I think that organizing has to be more about interests and not identity. Finally, it bothers me that people know so little about race, racism, and race relations. America loves to keep you stupid.

I think this is long enough

L Boogie--3 Days

2011-01-17T10:45:00.002-05:00

If I ever had an idol, someone I admired, or was a fan of it was Lauryn Hill. I'm not much of a concert goer but I told myself that if I ever had the opportunity to see her live then I'd take that opportunity regardless of my situation. About a month after I said that a Lauryn Hill tour was announced. I'll be seeing Ms. Hill at the House of Blues in a few days. I look forward to the show. Despite all of the seemingly bizarre occurrences and the ways in which fans have been dissatisfied, I'm ready for whatever she has for me at the concert, even if that includes her not showing up, although I pray she shows.

In response to accusations and assumptions about her sanity and ego, honestly, it blows my mind when people express doubt, disappointment and dissatisfaction in her when she makes her priorities very clear. It makes me wonder if her "fans" and "listeners" are really hearing what she's been saying. Call her crazy if you want, she has said and continues to spit some of the sanest words I've ever heard.

"I am asking my community what can we do about this?"

2011-01-15T12:54:00.008-05:00

My friend Patrice Renee Ferguson needs a kidney very urgently. If anyone is willing to consider donation, please contact me or her. She's posted a note fully explaining her situation. She has type "O" Blood and is not on a transplant list yet. A living donor is her best option at this point. She is a great and passionate person and I've been very sorry to see her go through her illness. Thank you.

The Kidney Khronicles Part I

by Patrice Ferguson

I have kidney disease. There are five stages. I am in stage four on the verge of being in stage five. Stage five is kidney failure. The last blood test I took in Dec of 2010 had me at 16% function or less. This means that 84% of my both of my kidneys do not work. The more my function decreases the more the kidneys will shrink and the worse my condition will get.

Patrice Renee Ferguson

Currently I am dealing with numerous side effects. I am constantly tired. I will run out of energy very quickly and suddenly get weak. When your kidneys don’t function your body does not get rid of waste or absorb nutrients from food properly. Extra minerals and toxins are in my blood. This causes me to be tired. In addition I can taste the toxins. I constantly have a bad taste in my mouth. The toxins go to your brain. This makes it difficult for me to sleep at night and itch. I wake up numerous times throughout the night because of the toxins going to my brain. It also makes it difficult for me to think clearly. I forget words and why or how to do things in the middle of doing them. I lose my train of thought very easily. I get leg cramps from the high level of potassium in my system. The pain from the leg cramps can last for days. I have woken up screaming from the pain. I swell up from the sodium in my system. Every morning I wake up nauseated because of all the toxins in my system. All of these symptoms will get worse as my function decreases.

The transplant process is very long and frustrating. I have taken a few test and started the process, but there are several steps. The waiting list in California is 5-7years. The waiting list in Kentucky is 2 ½ to 3 years. (We all know how I feel about living in KY.)

I am very frustrated with this whole ordeal. I feel like I am going through this alone and wonder how I will muscle through this. Anyone who knows me knows me as a fighter, but the warrior in me is worn out. Trying to battle through to finish this “Gangland” style MA program, the racism and crazy of Kentucky and just life have taken their toll on me. I know I am in the fight of my life and I have to win or die, but I have to say, “I am tired!” I have been fighting to live since conception. (Someday I will write the entire story on that statement!)

At the age of thirteen I was diagnosed with Valley Fever, Coccidiomycosis, which is a fungal infection. The infection was in my bones, specifically in two places on my spine, skull, and pelvis. Only 20% of the people who have this type of infection survive. I lost the ability to walk. For months I had to crawl to get anywhere in the house or be pushed in a wheelchair. My immune system was compromised. I went from 125 lbs to 84 lbs in less than 6 weeks. I missed 8th grade and my sophomore year of high school. I was given a 9 month IV treatment of Amphotericine B. The recommended treatment is 6 months. This medication scarred my kidneys leading to the situation I currently find myself.

I pray every day for the ability to keep moving, but some days I just don’t have it. I need a kidney. I cannot live like this.

My blood type is “O”… I am asking my community what can we do about this?

Click here to meet Patrice.

Being White

2011-01-11T23:28:00.001-05:00

2011-01-11T13:51:00.003-05:00

Living life on your terms is so hard...

Mama I tried...

2011-01-06T12:34:00.000-05:00

0:20 to 4:20

In my very limited dating experience I found out that I can't go backwards materially... or intellectually. I've tried, I can't. The material thing isn't an issue, but the intellectual piece is crucial.

I like to discuss everything--politics, identity, pop culture, travel, etc.--with my significant other. Most importantly I have to know that we can teach and share information and insights with each other. There must be some kind of exchange. I am a student so listening, learning, and critical thinking is my thing, but I am also a teacher and communicator. Therefore, I expect to have a consistently meaningful exchange, that is not physical. Guys seem to pull back or come up short in discussion when they feel they can't hang.

I just spent just over a year talking/dating someone who still to this day knows nothing about me. To know me (or anyone in my opinion) takes time, effort, AND QUESTIONS. He did not ask very many questions and when he did they were not in-depth and he did not follow-up or even remember my answers. You have to want to know and show evidence of that desire. I can be private, complex, and even cryptic, but I'll tell you anything you want to know. I believe in full disclosure in a relationship. If I feel blocked, lied to, or restricted I will not engage for long.

When I want to learn a person and their politics, I put myself in a position to do just that. I have a homie who likes to tell me about what he thinks he knows about me. Miss me with that shit. Ask questions. Do not assume. Most importantly don't impose ideas about me on me.

With that said. I will no longer date guys who don't/can't talk about shit besides themselves and athletic events. I need depth, variety, and exchange. The funny thing about this is as a student I almost expect this to happen regardless, but that damn sure aint the case...

In the club: A series

2011-01-03T10:13:00.000-05:00

I have always been intrigued by gender politics in a club, bar, or party setting. I've been clubbing since age 13. I am 25 years old. I've clubbed in many cities and at many schools. Clubbing has, in many ways, shaped and reinforced my gender and sexuality. Over the years I've realized that the way people relate to each in nightlife environments is different than how they relate in other environments. In the club gender politics are performed in the most extreme sense.

When I entered my master's program I considered studying gender and nightlife but my knowledge base was weak and I was more equipped to focus on education.

Now that I'm versed in black feminist perspective, intersectionality, standpoint, and aesthetics I find it easier to conceptualize and discuss my experiences. From here on out every time I engage in nightlife, I'll report on my observations and findings.

I want to look at how individual men and women choose to engage and how they engage in a black heterosexual party setting; how men and women behave separately as gender groups; the role of butch and femme lesbians in a black heterosexual club setting; and the roles of white men and women in a majority black nightlife setting. I also party less frequently in African and white spaces so I may occasionally make comparisons.

Finally Found a Hobby...

2010-12-29T19:52:00.000-05:00

My etsy shop should be ready within the next few days. Until then checkout my work...

I have to learn...

2010-12-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

to shorten my blog posts. These posts are long as hell. Who's going to want to read this shit?

Bougie Negroes x Poor Negroes x $175 Jordans

2010-12-29T11:36:00.000-05:00

Black twitter rears its bougie little head again...

On December 23, 2010, the Air Jordan XI Retro were released in shoe stores nationally. If you have any knowledge on the history of Jordans then you know this particular model is a big fucking deal. I having been a Jordan fan and faithful consumer of Jordan brand sneakers as a teenager passed on these the first time they came out around 2001 or 2002. There was a limited number of shoes to be sold and nationally people were being robbed and shot over these damn shoes.

This time around they were, once again, a big fucking deal. Whenever something is a big deal, twitter magnifies how big a deal. Actually twitter magnifies a lot of things, especially ignorance. #Coolgreys was trending for two days and black twitter couldn't help itself. (I think it's still trending) Apparently if you're poor, broke or perceived as such then you don't have the right, according to other folk, to spend your little bit of money on a pair of $175 sneakers. Check out these tweets for example:

If U cant pay the rent dont buy the #CoolGreys. I dont wanna walk outside and see U and your family homeless with fresh pairs of Jordans on

#thebrokefriend was the first one in line for the #coolgreys now they asking they fam for money to pay off they rent#subtweet lol

S/O to everybody who is bouta be homeless on the 1st cus they spent their rent money on presents and #coolgreys

What bothers me is the overall condescension. You criticize someone for purchasing whatever they want to purchase with their money. Is somebody jumping on you about spending your money on fast food every day? Did someone put a foot in your ass for that car note? Those #coolgreys might fuck around increase in value while your piece of junk car depreciates *looks at watch* by the second. And what about those Sallie Mae payments for a degree you're not even using? How much did you pay to walk in a room, listen to music, and stare at people (the club)? Judging by the twitter statuses you would think everybody had their finances in order and were building some kind of wealth. #DoubtIt.

Bottom line is what other people spend their money on is no one's business. We all have different values and priorities. At one time black people in the U.S. didn't have shoes and couldn't buy shoes much less the ones they wanted. Being able to buy the pair of shoes that one wants might be just as important to some as making a down payment on a home given the historical context. I know the issue for many is that others sacrifice some pretty basic needs to look good. My issue is that it is no one's business. Being poor does not mean that one cannot experience pleasure even if it means blowing his or her bill money. Why don't ask yourself why that person has little money or if they've ever had money. Ask yourself if their family has money. Ask yourself if that person even cares about having money. Ask yourself the last time you blew through some dough for something that others would consider frivolous.

I don't see nobody jumpin on all the girls walking around with all leather knee/thigh boots.

How much do you think those cost?

(mine were almost $200)

Say He Ain't Cold #1: Hayden Christensen

2010-12-28T22:49:00.000-05:00

Who knew Darth Vader was this cute?

Book Review: The Immortal Life...

2010-12-26T22:10:00.001-05:00

I told myself that I'd start reflecting on the books that read through writing. I have no clue how many books I've read, but I know it's a lot. I don't know the names of some of them and some I don't remember reading.

Lately I 've had some down time so I'm taking advantage by catching up on my reading. Grad school doesn't allow much space for leisure reading. And even after I have a hard time not reading material related to my research.

I just finished The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. Click here for a synopsis of the book. Aside from the fact that it's about the black experience this was different because a substantial portion of the book was about biology as it pertained to cells, cancer, and genetics. Honestly, the scientific stuff I appreciated because it was new to me, but it definitely bored the hell outta me. I found some of those parts hard to read, but Skloot made it easy understand the processes and jargon. Overall, I think Skloot was very thoughtful in the way that she told the story. Being a student of Pan-African studies I was taught that a the way a story is told is as important as the story itself.

The elements of the book that captured me the most were the Lacks's family dynamics and the way that the family understood the survival of Henrietta's cells as something spiritual. Having my own, very surface understanding of African and African American spiritual systems I appreciate this being in the book. Many of the Lackses believed Henrietta's cells were her haunting and blessing the world for many different reasons. Their explanations embraced the good and the bad, which is characteristic of AA spirituality.

The family relations affected me intensely. The Lackses being from a very small town where they still worked on the Lacks plantation, it was normal for relatives, usually cousins to have sexual experiences, reproduce, and even marry each other. Within this story there were instances of promiscuity and sexual assault. It was understood that male relatives had rights to female relatives. This narrative is close to me and heartbreaking considering that so many black women I know have been molested and assaulted by male relatives. The way a woman lives her life is heavily informed and controlled by how men treat her. I'd say many of the traumatic experiences that Deborah Lacks had with men kept her from living the fullest life possible. Life didn't play out very well for men either. For the Lacks brothers, each was affected negatively by poverty, incest, and physical abuse, which led to bigger problems in their adult lives. This is also a narrative that is familiar to me because of my own male relatives.

In addition family dynamics and spirituality the way in which the science and medical communities have treated black people and other vulnerable populations is unforgivable. This particular story helped me to understand why black folks don't go to the doctor even when they have the means to do so. Science has done us wrong in the worst ways. Skloot shed light on that by exploring other medical cases, legislation, patient's rights, and the role of Johns Hopkins in exploiting and murdering black people in the name of science and hate.

For someone who knows very little about black people and medicine I think this was a very good starting point. It makes me question my own health and how I negotiated healthcare. I think what Skloot wrote was very important and I hope it reaches a wide audience.

Randomism: Just some stuff that's on my mind

2010-12-19T19:21:00.004-05:00

empty pockets

1. Why is the self-esteem of women always in question? What about men? Is their self-esteem not in need of attention?

2. Why is it that when you have cable there's still nothing on tv worth watching?

3. How can people lay around for more than a day? That ish makes me physically sick. I can't sleep or eat if I do nothing. Then again you need to move around and eat in order to sleep well.

4. Why does money insist on burning a hole in yo pocket?

5. Why do I listen to people? It's very rare that another person can guide me directly. I can learn from others, but inadvertently. Guess I'm a hands-off/independent learner.

6. What is it about the show "Made" that keeps me watching? Do you watch "Made"? What do you think of it?

7. Why can't I bring myself to read material outside of my thesis research? What are some pieces you recommend?

8. How do ice storms happen?

Lil Kim

9. I'm finally okay with admitting that I did not engage in higher education for a job. Had I done that, I'd be bored as fuck/unemployed/underemployed/miserable. Who knows?

10. Why can't I listen to R&B artists that I consider to be unattractive? And how come I can listen to an ugly ass rapper?

11. I hope there's a documentary on the life of Lil' Kim before I die. I'm so curious. Plus that would be dope.

12. Unless it gets in the way of my ultimate goals, I've decided that I will control how I look. Fuck a dress code. I realize that personal aesthetics can be used and manipulated in many many ways to convey many things.

13. The jacked up part about no longer wanting to play games in dating is that sometimes you have no clue when you yourself are still playing.

14. Why did I let these fools talk me into a Blackberry? Peer-pressure is a mutha...

Evelyn

15. Peace to moms and dads who put their daughters in a position to win regardless of their own circumstances (that I would consider dire).

16. Why must Evelyn from Basketball Wives be such a pain in the ass? It's cool though, Tami, ol' girl from Real World, gon get in everybody's ass. #ooowee

Tami

sidenote: I've observed how these women are treating Tami, who is no longer in the circle and doesn't have any money. They look down on her and I'm sure they thank God they aren't in her position. I think she's very brave to have left a situation that was not healthy for her or her children. The wives/ex-wives/former girlfriends who are still supported by professional athletes should take note. #changejobschangegods

17. Btw, I'm really into these black reality shows. Thank you Sunday night programming for giving me a life.

18. Me: I'm glad it hasn't happened yet. I wanna be my best for you. Him: Same here. I know I love u. That's why I don't mind waiting #welldamnGina

*takes a walk*

Why 16 & Preggars and Teen Mom Works My Nerves

2010-12-18T20:49:00.001-05:00

Participants from season 1 of 16 and Pregnant. Four of the participants went on to star in Teen Mom.

I dont know if it's the shows themselves or what they represent--either way some real jacked up and narrow ways of thinking are routine with these two shows. What's disturbing is my suspicion that ways in which the participants seem to negotiate teen pregnancy is... common. The other part that bothers me is the lack of diversity among show participants. The show should be called Teen Pregnancy for Middle America and Puritans. #shotsfired. Not to mention the show doesn't offer alternative solutions or opportunities. Of course, I always take into account the effects of editing, social context, and the influence of ratings on show content.

I guess I'm more intrigued and bothered by the messages being conveyed and the ways in which the families feel they have to address the issue of teen pregnancy within their own households. Also, I'm interested in the ways in which society views and treats teen pregnancy. (I could do a dissertation on this, but I'll settle for blogging)

Here I'll break down the problems I have:

Pregnancy as being synonymous with adulthood

There is obviously some expectation that these 15, 16, and 17 year olds are suddenly going to be adults because of a new baby. Fuck no. Many of the teens are either feel obligated to move out, get jobs, apartments, and start their lives as a couple with little to no preparation or their parents put them out because they "aint raisin no babies". In some cases the parents force the young males to take responsibility for finding an APARTMENT, CAR, JOB, etc. Seriously? I'm 25 and I still aint mastered that _____. Unless a party involved is causing distress, being on your own might be the most illogical move to make in this situation. Most of the families are middle to lower-middle class to poor. The teens do not have sufficient work experience or skills. Nobody really wants to help. Their friends are giving them the ugly face. The parents are ill-equipped to help in many cases and have in some cases been in the same predicament. Seriously, what the ______ are they going to do? Putting them out and moving out just makes shit harder given their financial state, lack of education, and overall maturity. Talk about repeating the cycle... In my experience a new baby means *in Jay-Z's voice* YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE, love and attention. It really does take a village.

Pregnancy as a reason for not being able to participate in school or continuing education

Every teen mom, except for two, and one dad, has either dropped out of high school or changed their plans not attend college. First, let me say, I've never been a mom so I don't know how hard it is, but according to popular belief it aint no joke. But dammit, women have babies every second of the day, going to school while pregnant or with a child should NEVER be an issue. High schools discriminate. Folks automatically let the mothers know they cant do shit. All of a sudden mobility becomes the father's responsibility. WTF. Systems should accommodate mothers, not restrict them. Given the circumstances, further education is absolutely necessary. There are ways to work these things out. The show never shows anybody trying to work this out. The mothers, however, express their dissatisfaction with not being able continue with their education. Some even make efforts to get their GEDs, return to high school, or enroll in the local community college. Parents may or may not support their endeavors.

Pregnancy as the sole reason for marriage or a romantic relationship

Many of the families seem to think that being married or in relationship together is better for the baby. I'll let Ms. Badu address this one with her line of questioning and you tell me if a relationship solely based on pregnancy is "the way":

IS IT REALLY “GOOD” TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE BOTH PARTIES ARE UNFULFILLED , LONGING FOR RELIEF , BRINGING one another down as a result of improper training , creating BAD ENERGY AND EXPERIENCES FOR THE CHILD TO REPEAT ?
(not to mention breeding deceit and anger and resentment )
SEEMS TO CREATE FEARFUL CHILDREN WHO TURN INTO FEARFUL ADULTS .
HOW MANY OF YOU GREW UP IN 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE MISERABLE AS FUCK ?
OR 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE NOT PERFECT BUT WORKED?
HOW MANY GREW UP IN ONE PARENT HOMES WHERE THE MOTHER WORKED HARD TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE CARED FOR BUT SHE WASNT QUITE HAPPY?
HOW ABOUT A HOME WHERE THE FATHER WAS THE MAIN CARE GIVER AND DID THE BEST HE COULD -LACKING NURTURE?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE A SIBLING THAT HAS A DIFFERENT FATHER OR MOTHER?
DOES HE OR SHE MEAN LESS TO YOU?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MORE THAN 1 MOTHER OR FATHER OF YOUR OWN CHILDren ?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAD /OR / ARE PARENTS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN ,THAT DONT QUITE FIT ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS?
HOW MANY OF YOU STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS FOR FEAR OF GOING TO HELL?
HOW MANY HOS OUT THERE … THAT HAVE KIDS TO GET A PAYDAY?
HOW MANY PEOPLE GETTING THEY ASS KICKED AND ARE FORCED TO SUBMIT CAUSE YO MAMA GOT HER ASS KICKED?
THEN WHAT is CORRECT?

Pregnancy as a reason to NOT fulfill dreams and goals

There were three particular episodes that really killed me because the teens had what seemed to be great opportunities staring them in the face. In one case, the mother was a musician who was very motivated and apparently very skilled and had planned to study music in college. She decided not to because of her baby. In the other episode, the father had a full football scholarship to University of Florida, but he decided not to go, stay and marry his child's mother. The third instance involved a couple who both wanted to attend the same college away from home. The couple decided they'd stay in the couples residence hall, but her high school was hell bent on punishing her for missed days despite her previous performance. She ended up graduating late and did not attend the school with her child's father. I may be wrong, but I feel all of this could have been worked out. We should not have to choose between our goals and our current circumstances. It's like professional and artistic goals stand in direct opposition to giving and preserving life.

Pregnancy as something that is simultaneously shamed and celebrated

The pregnancy and the mother are not celebrated but the baby is. That's bullshit. Given all the things that pregnancy is perceived to be conflated with I get it. Many of the teen's parents believe their kids have messed up their lives. Pregnancy and the birth of a child is seen as both a blessing and a curse. I can only imagine what the mothers feel in situations where they are faced with hostility from their families and institutions. Why can't pregnancy just be a blessing, or a new challenge or skill to take on, or a way to bring light into the world? I assume it's because birthing and raising a child is labor (unpaid) in and of itself. This saddens me and it is also the main reason I am apprehensive about pregnancy and child-rearing. I KNOW my mother was not prepared for me or my sister. I don't think she even consciously decided whether she wanted children. Unfortunately, my mother suffered from PPD with my sister (idk about me) and I think she has always had to pay for having children. I guess having a baby is both awesome and fucked up. It shouldn't be this way. Pregancy should not be a burden, especially since it's an integral part of our existence.

I believe this post deserves a follow-up.

Just had to release my thoughts on this topic.

10 Things Joshua Bennett Wants to Say to Black Women

2010-12-17T12:24:00.002-05:00

I do not object.

By the way...

2010-12-15T01:13:00.000-05:00

Identity CrySis is on tumblr too.

I like Tumblr because of the way it looks. It's great for visual art and communication.

Click here to check out my Tumblr

On going back to twitter...

2010-12-14T17:09:00.003-05:00

I removed myself from twitter for a while.

There's something unsettling and heartbreaking about realizing that your politics don't match those of the people you care about.

Essentially, given that you're following everyday people, twitter is an endless stream of consciousness from many different people. Frankly, it drives me crazy. On the other hand, it lets me know how people receive me and do not receive me and my politics.

Being on twitter lets me know where I am in terms of maturity and how well I deal with contention, attacks, and ignorance. Most of my friends and followers are younger and less mature than I am. Plus many are entrenched in a black religious tradition that is centered on patriarchy. Let me just say, black folks are extremely preoccupied with one is doing with her vagina. #imjustsayin. Everything I believe now is the opposite of that and it sucks. Not to mention virtual identities tend to be more egotistic. People feel like they can say what they want and not be held accountable for it or be responsible for their words.

I have always been able to take abuse through words without flinching. And at some point I thought that's just how life was, so I adapted to it and developed a very sharp tongue with rapid fire reaction. I no longer want to do that. Now my options are to block or ignore those people. I know they just want to hurt others so they can feel their pain. And that's fine. I've been dealing with verbal abuse for a year now, it phases me in a different way. Now I see it as something to get away from, not a way to sharpen my iron. I'm sure I'll find a way to develop new defense mechanisms if necessary. But my point is, I dont want to have to put on protective gear to engage in what I enjoy. I am responsible for everything I say and I am always willing to address another person. Unfortunately, in the world of twitter I get RT'd a lot and I have a lot to say, which leads to a lot of resistance regardless of if I'm tweeting randomly or directly. I guess that's life. I have to fight and bitch for what I want or think no matter how simple it is.

Not sure how long I'll remain on Twitter. I may have to have a profile that serves as an information hub or only tweet at certain times for a particular purpose. I guess this is how governments start...

Do you have issues with twitter?

How has your use of twitter contributed to how you see your friends, the internet and the social world?

Comments... Pretty Please?

2010-12-14T16:05:00.000-05:00

So I checked my stats for how many views my blog gets and I was pleasantly surprised.

Thank you for stopping by, reading, and browsing around. I really appreciate it and I feel more encouraged to write.

I would feel more encouraged if people left more comments and feedback. I would love to interact within the blog--to share ideas and build, but that can't happen if I don't even know you're here.

Anyhow, you see the cute kitten up above (I love cats)...

Go ahead and leave comments, I wont bite.

Thinking About how Rebound Boo a.k.a. Jobie was Lightweight feminist

2010-12-10T12:24:00.001-05:00

I have something to say but don't have the words to say it.

So far, in my mind Jobie, my "lover" who came right after my 5 year relationship was in many ways was a feminist.

He put me at the center without losing himself. He provided space for sexual desire that had nothing to do with duty or obligation. My relationship with him had a very profound effect on me because in the area of sex he showed me a lot of what I was missing. Being with him gave sex and desire much more significance in my life. I'm talkin Ciara-how-and-where-do-you-want-it-I-want-it-from-you-but-I'll-only-go-for-it-if-you-want-me-to-your-wish-is-my-will-and-please-believe-I'll-turn-you-out-without-warning.

The ex was much more interested in what he was getting out of sex from me as his girlfriend. He believed (despite his bible thumping) that as his girlfriend I was obligated to please him sexually, and that if I did not concede he had the right to seek sexual pleasure from others. Sex as an obligation is no fun--honestly, it's awful and leads to resentment. "The enemy of desire is duty." (Click here to read up on the relationship between duty and desire. )

Back to Jobie.

Aside from the sex and desire piece, Jobie always spoke in the most frank manner about the most sensitive subjects, especially those subjects and ways of expressing that men tend to stay away from. He always expected me to do the same. AND HE LISTENED.

And who knew that at the age of 22 that a 19 year old could teach me about respect and treating people like humans? Who knew there was a man that did not spit misogynist politics? Dude checked me on criticizing and calling other women bitches (and other names). He even confessed to never talking about his sexual exploits with the guys. Wow. Jobie floored me over and over (literally and figuratively). To meet a black male who demonstrated the level of sensitivity and love he did toward women in a non-patriarchal way was inspiring and hopeful to say the least.

I think it was at this point that I began to recognize misogyny and what loving women really looked like. Taking her out to eat, opening doors, protecting her from imaginary predators aint shit if you cant invest, engage, and challenge her (and vice versa).

Anyhow, I imagine that for someone so young in his masculinity that this may have been hard to accept and embrace. We know longer have a sexual relationship but I still wonder if he's the same. Based on the empirical I'd say probably not. Despite that he played a major role in my feminist consciousness. I thank him every time I talk to him, although I'm not sure if he knows what I'm talking about.

Can you be feminist without knowing it?

On Playing Games...

2010-12-09T02:05:00.000-05:00

The master of deflection, queen of power plays, miss-i-stay-winnin is tired.

I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of participating in lop-sided, no-risk relationships. I routinely get into relationships with men that are easy. He likes the chase me. I like him just enough to answer bbm's or facebook chats. He eventually tells me he loves me based on the fact that he rarely invests so much energy in a girl. I wait for him to fuck up so I can quit him.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

The one area in my life where I find it difficult to be completely honest is the area that has to do with me expressing certain feelings and emotions. Ugh. I love to express my feelings about any damn subject. I'm well versed in a variety of subjects. I love to talk. I love to build. I love to love.

I hate to be vulnerable. I still think of it as being synonymous with losing, putting myself in a position to be rejected or being taken advantage of.

Don't ask what it is that I'm losing. I have no idea. Actually, I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm not losing anything. I'm growing. I even admire people who are vulnerable and don't give a fuck. I always secretly considered them to be stronger when it comes to relationships. They can just say whatever they want and not worry about what they look like. I love that shit, but I'm having the damndest time doing it. FML.

But my time will come and I think it's coming soon. I'm not so terrified and I have a test-dummy. I try out all my "vulnerable" shit on him. He's perfect because the power plays don't work with him. He gives me whatever I give him. He only knows grad school Ciara so there's no pressure for me to affirm or support the old me. Dealing with him isn't easy but it is rewarding. I get a better reflection of myself through him because he's neutral. Although I'm not clear on why he's acquainted with me I do know that he's not around to impress or make me feel good. Most importantly, I actually like him--like for real--I'm talkin worship adoration.

This is a high-stakes situation. And like my homegirl told me, Ima have to work for this shit.

Fuck.

She told me the same energy I put into writing my thesis should also be exerted in my personal life. And that my politics don't mean shit if I dont also use them in the name of loving and being loved. Because the personal is political.

I think I'll say it again. My politics don't mean shit if I don't also use them in the name of loving and being loved. Because the personal IS political.

If he doesn't like me back I'll live. I'm pretty sure we'll still be friends and things will proceed as if nothing ever happened.

I just know I'm tired. I no longer want to lead people on and play games with them for my pleasure. That's sick and I want to be healthy.

Adele--Rolling in the Deep--I love her.

2010-12-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

I love this woman's talent. I'm in love with her voice, style, delivery, image and content. She has a new album coming out. It's called 21. Her debut album, 19, was theshit.com/omfg in my book. It is definitely one of my all time favorite albums. I can still listen to it on repeat top to bottom. Based on the first single from 21 I'm optimistic that I'll feel the same about this album. What drew me to her was how soulful her voice is. She has a voice that usually come from a black woman. Either way it's moving for me and lord knows I'm something like an emotional junkie. The other thing that kept me listening was her seemingly simple and typical subject matter, relationships, for which she uses the most painful lyrics to express. Furthermore, the fact that she was "plus size" for her first album and now her second album makes me love her more. They may just be an American phenomenon that happens. She's English. Anyhow, I have no doubt she is one of the best mainstream artists out right now.

Musing on Toni Morrison and Happiness

2010-11-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

The other day in my post-Turkey Day haze I happened to catch a C-Span program and it was Angela Davis and Toni Morrison having a conversation about the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass at a New York Public Library. Click here to see the video.

Anyhow, I'm not sure of the context, but Toni said something that really resonated with me. She said "happiness is not enough."
On some level I understand what she was saying, but I feel like I have to think this through in a sincere way.
I think what surprised me was that to some degree was that I automatically agreed with the statement as if I was subconsciously aware of the fact that to have happiness as a number one goal in life, like some people do, is a very flat, static, modest and abstract objective to have...

It's like, well what else do you want?

Why do some consider happiness as the end all be all?

What if you just want to feel and experience? That's one thing that I want and I am sure of it.

What would happiness be without everything else?

Idk...

...in the spirit of thanksgiving...

2010-11-24T21:24:00.003-05:00

Ciara's Hair Wars

2010-11-23T21:34:00.001-05:00

Dont judge me

I don't like to write about hair.

I'd say about 90% of blogs created by black women have to do with hair so I let them take care of that. However, this one time I think I'll go for it.

I have had damn near every hairstyle, color, and process you can think of. I had locs for the last 5 years of my life. Earlier this year I did my first big chop (BC)--got a caesar, loved it, but I had a specific goal in mind. I want big afro hair. I knew it would take a while. I knew I would get impatient. The same thing happened with my locs. After about the first 6 months or so I began enjoy the process and I think it was because of the instant gratification involved in locking and knowing that in about a year or so I would be thoroughly pleased with my appearance, I would stand out, all while rocking a "natural" hairstyle--not to mention at that time locs were popular in mainstream media.

The difference between now and then is how sensitive I am about what people think of my hair. I realize that I'm currently in a different context than I was before. The place I'm in now is hostile, unsupportive, and indifferent at best. Anyhow, I BC'd. I felt like a boy (if such a thing is possible) for a second but I absolutely LOVED the way my hair looked and felt. It's funny because I felt like a boy on one hand, but on the other hand I had never felt more feminine (if such a thing is possible). Truth be told, I have a long sexy neck and a beautiful head. But that's beside the point. What bothered me were the subtle responses to my having very short hair.

"Your dreads were so pretty!"; "Your hair was sooo long!"; "I like the dreads better"; "You should weave your hair"; "Your hair is nappy. You should relax it."

I received very supportive responses also especially from other women, which I really appreciate. I have a better understanding of what it means to be young, black, female, single, educated, quirky, and living in middle America. Aside from the explicit verbal responses, I could tell through ways of communications that people didn't know what to make of me or how to judge me. That same dynamic existed with my locs, but since they were long and clearly conveyed my gender people had an easier time negotiating how they'd respond to and around me. The low-cut, which at times contributed to me looking either very boyish or very feminine was a little harder for people. In addition to the low cut, I have a very small, frame--5'4" 108 lbs, soaking wet. I have small breast, small butt, no hips. I dress sporty, sometimes with boyfriend jeans, sneakers, etc. so I appear androgynous with my short nappy hair.

Moving along, just recently I put a weave in my hair as protective style. I'm not really a fan but I'm trying to retain moisture and length. I have a pretty specific goal. What I've noticed is that the response from black men--actually the fact that there is a response from black men. Im talking about random black men on campus and the streets. Of the course the conscious guys "love all women", natural or whatever. But this straight weave attracts mad gazes. I'm sure people look and don't look for many different reasons but I'm almost sure that long straight hair is attractive to these men. The heartbreaking part is that the short and nappy shit isnt.

Something very profound has happened to me here. This has all made me much more aware of how much stock I place in a man's approval of the way I look. As much as I love my hair and as fly as I think my short and nappy is, I have never been so uncomfortable... or dare I say... unloved by black men. The love has always lacked in the place I'm in but it has become much more extreme with the hair.

This ordeal, the pan-africanist, sociologist, and critic in me have raised many questions regarding physical appearance, blackness, whiteness, gender relations, black men, black women, hair politics, etc. Here are few of the most important issues that have been on my mind:

When a young, educated, black woman living in middle america with kinky hair, cuts her hair low, what exactly does that mean to certain groups (white women, black men, white men, etc.)?

Does the narrowed context matter?

While black women are walking around, shaving their heads, trying to get free, what are black men doing to attain some type of freedom?
Is the personal political for men too?
In a place where there is high percentage of dating and relationships between black men and white women do black women feel pressure to look whiter? Do white women feel more pressure to look blacker? Do men feel pressure to look a certain way? If so, under what circumstances?
How do black men feel about their features and the way they look? How does that influence the way they see black women?
Does this happen in places with more progressive black populations?
I hate the fact that the personal is political at times. Sometimes, it is just hair to me.
How does one NOT place stock in how men see him/her?

I Like J. Cole But...

2010-11-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

I don't like the way he discusses women and how he relates to them.

I like that he's somewhat socially conscious, self-aware, and discusses the politics of education and intelligence. He chooses soul beats, which is always a plus. He's reminiscent of a young Nas with a touch of a cognitive dissonant Kanye West. But this is true of many rappers and hip-hop artists.

Lately, I've been listening to his new mixtape Friday Night Lights (download here) and he really reminds of one of those dudes that are socially conscious, can talk about race for days, but drops the ball on gender relations. Three tracks in particular bother me--"Best Friend", "Home for the Holidays", and "In the Morning"--actually, it's damn near every track. He objectifies, but not in the usual sexually explicit way. He can fuck witchu if you down to do something sexual but for him that negates the possibility of anything more. And he positions himself so that he "wins" and the woman loses, for example:

I was ashamed all along and I still am
we let the lust interupt something real, damn
girl we grown so you gotta play your own position
I wouldn’t say that you a hoe, just made a hoe decision
eh, you can blame it on the liquor like a prohibitions
we both know thats what you wanted girl
I know you listening

Read more: http://www.killerhiphop.com/j-cole-the-autograph-lyrics/#ixzz15voT47Lu

What I've experienced through hip-hop and my own life is that many men choose the socially constructed male archetype over being human--women do the same in a different way. I've observed that there's almost a hostility toward engaging in a relationship or BEING WITH someone, a woman, who "he" sees as better. For the particular group of men I'm talking about their politics say they want themselves and the world to be better but when they come across a woman who may live in a way that they aspire they dont act on it. Can't be led. Can't be joined. But can be followed.

#pffft

Just an observation...

What do you think?

Are you one of these men?

What keeps you from nurturing gender relations?

Why Harriet the Spy is in my Top 5

2010-11-21T14:58:00.002-05:00

Harriet: they tried to squash me like a bug, it's too hard, it's not worth it.

Gollie: Oh never say that Harriet, you're worth it. You're an individual and you know something that makes people nervous and it's gonna keep making people nervous your whole life.

Harriet: My whole life? What do I do?

Gollie: You stay true to Harriet and you accept the cost. (Part 9)

Yesterday, in the midst of my post-defense slumber I watched Harriet the Spy. I was first introduced to the book in third grade. My teacher read it to us for the next two years after that and eventually I read it myself. A book is rarely as good as its movie. In this case the book and movie are very close; both are very good. You can watch the complete movie on youtube. You can get the book here.

Anywho, the movie suddenly entered my top 5 fave movies because of its message--taking responsibility for your truth. Harriet was a writer and observer of life--something like an anthropologist. She wrote down her observations as she saw them--IN HER WORDS. Her classmates got hold of her notes and all hell broke loose. They began to terrorize her because of what she had written about them in her private notebook. She retaliated. As a consequence her notebook and freedom to write her observations were taken away.

It was at this point where I became angry. Like how you gon keep somebody from doing what they love because you didn't like their truth? I mean damn the shit wasn't even published. And so what if she wrote some shit that hurt your feelings? Anyway this got me thinking about the way our world works. Their have been countless instances of peoples' freedoms and modes of expression being taken from them as a punishment because of some perceived threat. Shit happens all the time. It's cruel, unfortunate, and I'll always do what I can to challenge this way of thinking.

This movie also got me thinking about how we react to these situations. Harriet wreaked havoc and threw a muhfukin fit, but shit only got worst. The people who took away her notebook only pushed back more. As someone who tries to and NEEDS to be honest at all times, for its cathartic and therapeutic benefits, I have realized that no matter how noble or beneficial that endeavor may seem their are consequences for expressing my truth. People will not always accept you and your politics. Some will try to suppress you. In some situations I have to sacrifice my need to express my truth so that I may have other, more important opportunities to express myself. I had to do a lot of that to get through my thesis. And that is what Gollie, Harriet's nanny, was trying to convey. Harriet's larger goal was to become a great writer, but she had to learn that there were consequences for doing what made her feel free.

What makes you feel free?

Are you making sacrifices to obtain that freedom? If so, what are you sacrificing?

Is it worth it?

What are some other ways you can do what makes you feel free?

My Ambivalence and Complicity: Post-thesis Reflection

2010-11-21T13:38:00.001-05:00

On Thursday, November 18, 2010 I defended my master's thesis.

This morning I completed my post-defense slumber, because lord knows it's been a year since I've slept.

After two full years (not to be mistaken with school years), a kidney stone, two cars, the longest drought known to man, 48 credit hours (for a 33 credit hour program), a big chop, half the sleep I actually needed, many many road trips, hundreds of books and articles, a graduation ceremony, the most tears I've shed since childhood, lots new friends, and a completely different Ciara, I'm... relieved to say to that I have achieved a master's degree.

I am ambivalent about my "achievement". Part of me is hurt from some of my perceived losses, blunders, mistakes, miscommunications, repression, tongue lashings and feelings of despair. The other part of me is impressed by what I've struggled through--glad to have been able to set an example; to do something that few are aware of as an option; to have achieved a new level of awareness about myself and the world; and to have been to able to allow a reconstruction of myself.

The other day in my student affairs course we were discussing the ethical implications behind students hiring ghostwriters to complete their work. The discussion was inspired by this article written under a pseudonym for the Chronicle of Higher Education. Here's an excerpt:

I've written toward a master's degree in cognitive psychology, a Ph.D. in sociology, and a handful of postgraduate credits in international diplomacy. I've worked on bachelor's degrees in hospitality, business administration, and accounting. I've written for courses in history, cinema, labor relations, pharmacology, theology, sports management, maritime security, airline services, sustainability, municipal budgeting, marketing, philosophy, ethics, Eastern religion, postmodern architecture, anthropology, literature, and public administration. I've attended three dozen online universities. I've completed 12 graduate theses of 50 pages or more. All for someone else.

Immediately the professor and other students jumped on how universities could better detect academic dishonesty and what it means that the writer's most frequent clients are (1) ESL students, (2) the hopelessly deficient student, (3) and the lazy rich kid. Many seemed to be concerned about not being able to detect something like this. The issue and question, in my opinion, was why would these people feel the need to have someone else (seemingly more able) do their work? Of course, being the only one in who was very close to finishing a thesis and would probably be one of few who would take on such a endeavor, I completely understood why.

The amount of stock that is placed in advanced degrees is enough to move someone to cheat. The seemingly pointless shit that you have to go through in completing a final piece of academic writing is enough. The fact that your success, on some level, rests on the amount and quality of work you put in prior to reaching an advanced degree program is enough. The potential rewards for completing a programs are enough. The fact that the student may have their own family and equally important time commitments is enough. The fact that AINT NOBODY GON READ THAT SHIT ANYWAY because people don't read, is enough to have someone else write your thesis.

Did I have someone else do my work for me? Hell no.
Did I consider having someone else do my work for me? Hell yea.

I can say that the reason I would not do that is because my goal has always been growth and betterment. A master's in Pan-African studies doesn't scream GIMME THE MONEY (or a job for that matter); but I think that education, it's foundations, it's purpose, here in the U.S. in a capitalist system where everything is for sell and anything can be bought undermines human growth, development, and relationships. It puts people in a position to undermine themselves in exchange for security, respect, power, and perceived progress.

In my program I traveled to other countries, encountered people that wouldn't have otherwise, learned new ways to see the world, became a better, more critical reader and writer. I also discovered new modes of expression. I learned to communicate more effectively and to use my strengths to get what I need.

On the other hand, I learned that education, at every level needs a complete overhaul. The Ivory Towers should be destroyed--burned to ashes and evaporated. To be a black, female, and doing what you love to do, in an institution that is not meant for you, means doing a bunch other shit that is likely to suck your fucking soul dry. Along with that, I learned what academia does to its talent and what its old talent does to its new talent. It's like a secret society for which one must be initiated into--and in order to be initiated one must go through a process of learning ridiculous, sub-human politics that exist in the ivory towers and then one who has been initiated must deem you worthy as a member. Through this process I learned what expression really is because I could not find a way to do so in my terms. I've never valued saying and doing what the fuck I want more now than ever because I could not do so.

Anyhow, regardless of the effects I chose to commit myself to the program. Overall I think I came out on top because of who I am now. If I could do it over again, I would. How else would I know what I know now?

But I really wish I wasn't so conflicted.
And at least I know that my ambivalence rests in my complicity.

This makes me happy... Thesis defense in 5 days...

2010-11-14T01:09:00.001-05:00

I think Ms. Hill got her groove back.

Hope my groove is present for my thesis defense. O_o.

One Small Step for Me...

2010-11-04T21:55:00.000-04:00

In the last two weeks I've had the opportunity to make the first move and I did.

I hit up Skype-boo about the way he hung up on me then came to town and didn't even hit me up, then had the audacity to post some shit on my Facebook page. Word?

This is all while I'm vibing and listening to The Homie's relationship woes and examples of emotional immaturity.

I'm so proud of myself. Because of my pride and fear of vulnerability I rarely make the first move. I rarely initiate reconciliation, but I did it twice.

Granted the other situation with Thumper was a little different. He called me a name and didn't apologize. I cut him off. Heard through the grapevine he was hurt about the way I completely ignored him at our alma mater's Homecoming. I hate to think of Thumper as hurt so hit em up to say I didn't hate him. He still didn't apologize. But hey, you win some, you lose some.

Me and Skype-boo cool now, but now he ain't stuntin me at all. He thinks that I don't respect him and I'm not sure how to address that...

Have Fun With That

2010-11-03T00:01:00.000-04:00

Being, young, Black, articulate, and rebellious as a man may get you a mascot status in the realm of academia and the arts—the “cool guy” symbol. But being young, Black, articulate and rebellious as a young lady makes you the flaming angry Black bitch. But why should I worry about that? ... The only thing that matters is what I do to change it.

--Janine Kali Simon at http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/note-to-self

This quote speaks to my graduate school experience on so many levels. As a young woman who has maintained and nurtured her self-worth throughout her academic career; as a woman who has always had more cheerleaders than nay-sayers; as a woman who has always considered herself equal and just as able as any person; as a woman who routinely excels and faces challenges head-on; as a woman who has been treated well by men and women, experiencing the blatant sexism and covert racism in the academy has been DEVASTATING. To say it was challenging is a fucking understatement. To say "that's just how it is" is some bullshit. If there's a place that's less human than the academy, show me where that place is so that I can stay hell away.

To consistently witness your male colleagues being pushed forward while you are ignored; to witness apathy in response to several cases of sexual assault; to be oppressed by other black women who are suppose to be mentors; to constantly be ignored by male faculty and administration like that's how shit is suppose to be is BIZARRE and DISTURBING.

But I'm glad I know. I'm glad my bubble has been popped. I'm appreciative of my newfound awareness because once upon a time I was complicit in these crimes against myself, women, and humanity. As traumatic as my graduate experience has been I don't regret it. I found direction and a way to connect with the rest of the world. I realized that I could never again submit to someone else's agenda without advancing my own in an intentional and meaningful way. I learned to be firm about meeting my objectives. I learned that everybody black ain't got my back. I have a better concept of my and other's race/gender/class/sexual identities. I have a much better idea of what and how I want to contribute to the world. I know and respect my limits. I now respect other people and feel that WE are entitled to that respect. I know that I cannot fully love those who do not love me back. And most importantly, I have to find my own truth, and know that it can change without my permission. I DONT CONTROL OUTCOMES.

My intellect may make me a flaming, angry, black bitch in your world. But please believe this flaming, angry, black bitch knows herself and she knows that shit ain't true. Attempting to destroy me will only destroy you.

Have fun with that.

My Wishes

2010-10-29T00:41:00.000-04:00

I wish to be a better, more committed, powerful, provoking and succinct writer.

I wish the same for my speech.

I wish to be more well read and current in order assist me in becoming a better teacher, communicator, organizer, and writer.

Why? Because these things have become necessary for me...

Brain Barf #38 (fka Randomism): Love and Fear Edition

2010-10-28T23:05:00.001-04:00

The introduction to Erykah Badu's "Love" on New Amerykah Part Two : Return of Ankh states that there are only two emotions that humankind experience--fear and love--while other emotions branch either directly or indirectly from these two emotions. Lately, probably since the album hit the shelves and even before from reading Model Minority, I've been thinking about my life and relationships in these terms and thus far I've found it to be helpful in identifying and understanding the types of relationships I engage in, my motivations and the motivations of others. Anyhow, this is what I need to get out:

1. I have attempted to sever more relationships than I ever have this year. On the other hand I have also actively engaged in more relationships with people than I ever have. I have never had more than a disagreement with a friend, but shit is way more complicated these days.

2. I now, intentionally, attempt to always act out of love. To have some of idea of what that means has proven to be priceless in my relationships. I had no idea before. Love has become more than words and feelings, it has become something that is expressed through and connecting with other people.

3. Fear is muthafucka. A crutch. Parasitic. Because I have a better idea of what it means to act out of love I also have a better idea of what it means to act out of fear. I have spent about half of my life acting out of fear. Fortunately, that no longer works for me. I think at some point I found it be useful, because I felt safe. Now, fear in social interactions and relationships is paralytic and counter-productive, especially in the relationships I actively choose to engage in.

4. Being cognizant of action out of love has made me more sensitive to others and myself and I thank God for that. Feeling is so much better than not feeling. The last time I remember openly crying in front of people was elementary school. I remember being called a cry-baby because I would just cry whenever I felt the need. I wouldn't do that now, but I wouldn't be afraid either.

5. I feel shitty about encouraging my friends and especially my ex to act of fear--to be distrustful and inhumane. And I also think that's why some of my relationships are hanging on by a thread. I no longer support that type of living and thinking and I haven't quite figured out how to save those relationships or check my sensitivity.

6. I'm still not as proactive and open with people as I'd like there but this is about taking baby steps, especially for a person who has relied so much on being defensive, distrustful, controlling, and distant.

7. I'll admit that taking responsibility for how my relationships go kinda sucks, but it's empowering at the same time.

8. Lost three of my closest acquaintances and that shit hurts.

9. Part of me thinks that the thesis process had a lot to do with my development.

10. There's one more relationship that's hanging on. I'm not necessarily hanging on to it. I just don't know how to approach the situation. I think we'll be forever acquainted but I'm definitely not satisfied with our interaction. That shit bothers me.

11. The other day I called a friend of mine to talk about everything on my mind. Me and his homeboy use to be an item. He was informing me of how hurt the other party was. He said, "Ciara I think these guys think so highly of you and are affected by you because you love and focus on them and not the relationship. You care about their lives and betterment. They become better because of you." He don't know I teared up. But yea, that meant a lot. I always wonder if I'm doing what I set out to do in relationship. #CiaraGonLoveYou

12. I'm still struggling with how to love people who don't love me back. For now, I love from a distance.

13. When fear/anger/hurt emerge strongly enough I'm on TEN. #workinprogress

14. Speaking of fear, I'm afraid to leave academia, but I am and I know it'll be one of the most fearless moves I've made yet. (note: I have not been in school. I've been enrolled every semester since sophomore year of college) #crutch #scurredtodeath

15. Is it strange that I don't actively compartmentalize my relationships with men (e.g. platonic, romantic, familial, unless we're actually related)? "Friends" seems most appropriate.

16. That last question had to do with a man friend who loves to call our relationship platonic. Based on what has and has not transpired between us it... Let's just say the tension says differently, and that other people in a room would feel it...

Nitty Scott, We Need You

2010-10-27T14:22:00.002-04:00

Soul Food

2010-10-26T01:19:00.000-04:00

Soul Food Junkies Webtrailer - 12 min. version from Byron Hurt on Vimeo.

Based on the trailer this is a documentary about the state of black health as it relates to diet and nutrition and re-establishing the relationship between black people and land; and using that land as a healthy resource for life. I am glad this type of doc exists because (1) mainstream sustainability and food justice movements don't seem to engage black people; and (2) because the trailer seems to highlight a positive relationship between black folk and land. From what I've read about black dating back to Reconstruction, many black folks didn't want to be associated with anything reminiscent of slavery, including farming and sharecropping.

A gentleman in the video said something that hit home for me at 11:08. I am 24 years old, 5'4", 110 lbs. on average, high school athlete, active adult and I have had high cholesterol and a kidney stone as result of my diet. During my most active years in high school my diet consisted of McDonald's and Wendy's, brats, chips, pop, juice bacon, french fries--pretty much anything with grease, meat, fructose and salt. After quitting basketball I got my first job at McDonald's, working nearly 40 hours a week. Guess what I was eating--Super Size double quarter meals on the regular. None of this seemed to affect me at the time so I continued to eat like a fool through my sophomore year of college when I found out I had high BAD cholesterol. I took the proper steps to lower the BAD cholesterol and changed my diet to live a healthier life. However, I'm very afraid of my past and even current dietary habits coming back to haunt me.

Learning to live healthily is hard. The nearest Whole Foods or Fresh Market is 20-30 minutes away by car. Farmer's markets have limited operation. Don't let me get started on these raggedy ass grocery stores! Watchu know bout armed police officers at your nearest grocer? I live in Louisville, KY with one of the worst food deserts in the U.S. Additionally, work and grad school don't make living healthy easy. I never feel like I have time to cook, buy groceries, visit the farmer's markets, or even learn how to make a good number of dishes. The temptation to just grab something is always there. It hurts to even think about how poor or immobile families are doing in terms of diet and nutritional options especially in a city like Louisville.

(I'll do better with providing links to support my content but this was on my mind)

Oh Snap! Field Negro Shouted Me Out!!!! insert endzone dance

2010-10-25T14:01:00.001-04:00

I have followed the Field Negro's blog for the last two or three years. His blog inspired me to start my own blog, so I feel hella honored that he shouted me out. I wish someone could feel my excitement when I discovered that I was chosen for "Blog I Am Feeling". Of course I always hope but I never really expect anyone to read my writing. Before blogging I didn't even like writing. Most of my friends and acquaintances don't even read my writing, but DAMMIT if this wasn't the encouragement I needed to keep going! *insert endzone dance* Uhn!

I will admit, however, that I feel a little hint of pressure to deliver more consistent posts, and I probably will. And please believe that I always have something to say, a question to ask, and an opinion (usually educated and informed) to offer on damn near anything that has to do with black pop-culture, gender/sexual politics, introspection, and personal growth (among other things).

I am extremely thankful to Field Negro for sending traffic my way. And I will always be thankful for original supporters and future readers.

On Wacka's Intelligence

2010-10-21T19:21:00.000-04:00

YES!!! I'm so glad this video exists. I have been a fan Wacka Flocka Flame from the beginning (even though he hasnt been around long). I love his honesty and his energy. I listen to his popular singles and have seen him live. I do not love everything he portrays because of the potential effects it may have, however the way it is perceived and received cannot be controlled (at least not by me). As far as I'm concerned he's PIMPING the system for personal gain.

The way that the black/hip-hop blog/entertainment world, which is largely made up high school and college educated blacks, responded to his BET interview left a bad taste in my mouth. Everyone seemed so excited and ready to place the term "stupid" on him and his image. To me that represented an effort of formally educated black folk to separate themselves from uneducated black folk--as if we're somehow that different; as if they don't use, understand, or value black vernacular english; or aren't first generation graduates; or belong to families that come from the same place and perspective as someone like Wacka Flocka; as if they haven't been treated the same way they treat him and people like him.

I understand the music industry's investment in him and the implications in pushing an artist like this and I also know that he represents a very real (and large) demographic. Instead of focusing on creating distance from his image, it would seem more beneficial to listen to what he's spittin, who he's spittin it to and where his content comes from. It is on rare occasion that you get mainstream access to an artist who isn't completely manufactured by the industry. On the other hand, his presence and position is doing exactly what the industry intends: (1) making them money; (2) undermining the reality he raps about and therefore desensitizing you to that reality; and (3) keeping you and him less than human.

Luh me some bell...

2010-10-17T22:49:00.000-04:00

"The sisterhood that is necessary for the making of feminist revolution can be achieved only when all women disengage themselves from the hostility, jealousy, and competition with one another that has kept us vulnerable, weak, and unable to envision new realities. That sisterhood cannot be forged by the mere saying of words. It is the outcome of continued growth and change. It is a goal to be reached, a process of becoming. The process begins with action, with the individual woman’s refusal to accept any set of myths, stereotypes, and false assumptions that deny the shared commonness of her human experience; that deny her capacity to experience the Unity of all life; that deny her capacity to bridge gaps created by racism, sexism, or classism; that deny her ability to change."

-- bell hooks

This makes me smile...

2010-10-17T22:31:00.002-04:00

Reconsider Columbus Day

2010-10-11T15:56:00.003-04:00

I hate when I hear someone say...

2010-10-09T22:08:00.000-04:00

This was in response to a Tumblr post:

“she’s cute for a dark skin girl” like..yo..stfu ..what type of shit is that to say?? I honestly think some people don’t hear themselves when they speak..that’s such an ignorant statement to make. I myself love chocolate and all shades of it..it’s ok to jus say.. “she’s cute” but to say “she’s cute for a dark skin girl” is the fuckin dumbest, most ignorant shit you could say..especially around me. That right there is symptons of the willy lynch syndrome.

Apparently the issue of colorism has emerged once again—not that it ever disappeared, but lately there’s been way more buzz about it in the blog world than usual. I have always, always, always been the dark friend. Before college I would have classified myself as dark skinned, but now I’m brown and to some I’m “fair”, whatever the hell that means so skin shade/color is obviously relative on some level. Anyhow that whole “she’s cute for a dark skin girl” thing MAKES MY ASS ITCH. It implies that dark skin is unattractive. It makes my ass itch even more when that bias is acted out. As the certified dark friend I have always, always, always had a lighter skinned BFF. Idk why. I don’t seek these people out. Maybe it’s because my mother is light skinned. I have no clue. Anyhow in situations with guys i observed pretty early that on average they preferred the light skin girl. No matter how attractive you were with your brown skin the light girl got the first look and the most attention. Thank god this didn’t ruffle my feathers too much. I’ve never thought of myself as unattractive. I’m patient. I always get mine and I’m always happy with what I get. I will admit, however, that it is frustrating to know that people think and behave this way; and it’s not just men, but damn near all walks of life. I experienced similar results in an international context, also.

While slightly heartbreaking and frustrating it is nothing new. However I think the dynamics of colorism are much more nuanced than the current convo demonstrates. In my opinion colorism is about whiteness and the privilege that comes with it. But it goes further than dark skin and light skin. I discovered while in West Africa that how close one is associated with whiteness determines his or her stock or social capital. I’m aware of the danger of cross-cultural comparisons, but the problems there are similar, they just manifest differently. Skin color is not the only physical indicator of whiteness. Hair, mannerisms, speech, negotiation of space, and clothing and material goods on your person are also indicators (and how those things intersect). I think introducing those other indicators into the convo reconfigures our perceptions of who benefits and who suffers. Too often, we point fingers at the wrong people for this bullshit. Yea, it’s ignorant as hell for someone to say, “you’re cute for a dark skin girl.” Thanks and fuck u too, but it’s bigger than that. That comment says yea dark skin girls usually aren’t cute, but it also says regardless of your black ass skin something about you is attractive.

For instance, I am the certified dark friend, but I am thin, I have small features, when my hair is straight i look like a barbie, I, according to some “sound white”, I travel where I want to travel, read, and eat what I want to eat—ALONE—and would consider myself a “quirky black girl”. I think these are characteristics of someone who is… FREE (or trying to be). Unfortunately, more often than not, these characteristics are associated with whiteness. And up until I turn on my black vernacular english and blast Jeezy, I am perceived by some as a white black girl or “different”. Okay, I’m done rambling. Had to get that out. I have more but I know I’ll go on for days, so I quit, unless others would like to discuss this. *shrug*

I Should've Been in This Video

2010-10-07T10:35:00.000-04:00

To a place that you wanna be, uh get what you want from her and me uh

(Go) Free love I wanna see uh, hot sex in the third degree uh

(Go) You gettin' served while servin' me uh, dirty words encourage me to

Rock steady and sturdily on, you turnin' me no turnin' back the further we

#SWOON

#POW

2010-10-07T10:21:00.002-04:00

Why? Because you care :-)

2010-10-07T01:12:00.000-04:00

1. A date has been set for my thesis defense.

2. I'm on a drought, but I will not have sex with just anyone. Actually I'm quite selective, and therefore sexless.

3. I make earrings and they're the shit. If my camera was working I would have already started selling them online. I just completed my first order. #FTMFW

4. Life kind of stinks right now, but I know a major transition is currently happening... Can't wait to see how I come out on the other side.

5. I am totally infatuated with this one person. This infatuation is keeping me from being interested in anyone else. What am I going to do about it? Continue to be a punk and pray that this feeling goes away. I'm not ready for him anyway.

6. Blackberry phones suck. Or maybe mine is just cheap.

7. I'd like to have sex with a white man or a man from a completely different culture. I'd like to have sex period.

8. I feel trapped.

9. This is the first time in life I ever felt like I was losing friends. People always fall off, but in the last 2 years, relationships have ended.

10. I'm hungry and my roommate's EBT doesn't re-up for another 2 day. WTF are we gonna do?!

11. I wish my room would clean itself.

12. I wish I was better at blogging, visually. Seriously, who reads?

13. I love my hair, but I'm too worried about what you think to wear it the way I want.

14. I experience extreme rage when I find that someone has been violated.

15. I'm having some serious confidence issues right now... Im working on em... Fuck... Eventually, I'll learn to be the star of my own show.

This fool called me a cunt!

2010-10-07T00:47:00.000-04:00

Most of my life, if not all, I have been the girl who was one of the guys. I spent most of my time with my dad, I played sports, and generally enjoyed the company of males. They seemed to enjoy my company as well because I was "cool" and understood guys and basically didn't act like a girl. Because of this many guys get comfortable and behave in front of me the way they would if there were all guys in the room. #FAIL. Let's just say the conversation that men are having with the guys damn sure ain't the same convo as the one there having with women. It gets raunchy and in my very strong opinion, disrespectful. Those conversations always made me wince, but I'd just blow it off like, "oh they're men, this is just what they do."

I allow them to express themselves in their language through BBM, twitter, and other social networks. Many of them seem to like this about me, but within the last year or so it's really been getting to me. I'm a little more sensitive and bothered by the language and it's implications. I don't want to hear it. I wish it didn't exist. And I am no longer proud to be one of the guys, especially if they're gonna refer to EVERY woman as a "bitch" and act as though they don't give a fuck about anything that has to do with women except pussy. Lately, I've been more careful and intentional about things I allow others to say and do around me and my sphere. Needless to say someone crossed the line--someone I care for. I'd been giving him the silent treatment for a couple of days so he was irritated. I wrote a status in response to something he wrote, correcting his grammar. I didn't @ him, it wasn't disrespectful, and it wasn't a subtweet. So on twitter he writes:

@Ciara_Pierce shut up stupid cunt, u cant correct the grammar in a quote.. u just quote it

Word!? Is that how we get down in 2010?! We just use most disrespectful word in the muthafuckin english language in a public space toward someone you supposedly give a fuck about?! REALLY? REALLY!? And then didn't even care to apologize. #imjustsayin.

I understand that he didn't understand what he just did, but my hurt feelings should have been enough for this to be rectified. Guess what. They weren't. My view is that respect for women is FLIMSY AS HELL. If you happen to be a woman who is well "respected" that shit can go down like flames in a matter of seconds. All it takes is someone who feels like putting you in "your place". I, being someone who is aware of that flimsy ass respect, felt like he came from my throat in front of the world. He gave every other man permission to go IN if they ever felt like it. He made me feel exposed and unprotected... I have never felt so weak.

So uh, yea, we no longer communicate.

I hate the fact that he was a friend. I hate the fact that he didn't get it. I hate the fact that other men also didn't get it or just didn't give a fuck. But best believe my homegirls hit me up like, "WTF is he on?!", ready for attack. They knew. Seems like we've all been desensitized. Even I had a delayed reaction. I knew he was joking but it didn't FEEL like a joke. It hurt.

Furthermore, I hate the fact that "black" twitter is so incredibly hostile towards women. On top of that I hate the fact that the majority of black twitter, women, perpetuate that hostility. I like twitter, but I like having safe and loving (cyber) space too. I do what I can to avoid the bullshit, but shit still shows up on my timeline.

I Secretly Think She's the S-H-I-T

2010-09-22T14:49:00.000-04:00

#peacetonappyskinnyblackgirlsfromthefuture

Response to the article in Clutch

2010-09-11T13:57:00.005-04:00

This is my response to the article and comments on clutch magazine online. You can read that here.

I'll keep this short. While how we're portrayed is obviously an issue the bigger problem is who controls how we're represented and to whose benefit and detriment. Degrading, demeaning, humiliating, or artistic we just got pimped, again by those who do have power. It's evident that we don't have any control over how we're represented. Whether the portrayal was accurate or not, we were used by others to sell clothes.

So what now?

Alone, Lonely, Socially Selective

2010-09-11T00:49:00.003-04:00

I found this little video on Tumblr, apparently it's making its rounds through the web:

I love this video because its so honest, and innocent, and cute in it's own way, and of course very helpful. I've always been able, fortunately, to seek and enjoy solitude. Many of my favorite activities are ones that I do alone. There was a time where I deemed certain activities or locations unacceptable to be alone in such as a cafeteria, but I got over that in college. I do movies, restaurants, shopping, studying, bowling alone. Sometimes I prefer to be with someone, but most of the time I prefer to be alone, especially for shopping. I feel much freer when I'm alone. I don't feel obligated to answer to shit. I'm no longer self-conscious. I can say what I want the way I want when I'm alone (and I do) without being call weird or strange. I can do what I want at my speed. I don't have to wait or negotiate (save traffic). If anything, I may need to learn to be with people. I've spent a substantial amount of my life in by myself, probably more than most. An only child until age 6, an avid reader, a daydreamer, internet geek, self-taught everything. Anytime I've been around people for a substantial amount of time, its been in a controlled environment--school, organized sports, work, etc. I never thought of myself as lonely until another person criticized my alone time, but I love it, really. However, when I do find someone that I can be around for countless hours, I take advantage. I love that shit, but only with the right person. Call me socially selective, but never lonely... actually I'm not a fan of "alone" either....

2010-09-02T23:27:00.003-04:00

As long as you believe that someone or something outside of yourself can deny your good, you are not ready to have it. -- curlynikki.com

Im angry and this is why...

2010-09-02T20:24:00.001-04:00

Right now I'm experiencing a time where I'm not really getting anything I want. I knew the time would come eventually so Im not surprised, not to mention I had pretty good run prior to this period. Lists are easiest to read so here goes all those things that slay me daily, that give me that hopeless and helpless feeling and therefore make me angry...

1. Misogyny and Black women. Now that I know what it is and can identify it the way I see me and the world has completely changed. Five years ago I would never have thought that the world hated women, and especially black women. I knew it was an old white man's world but I didn't know how that applied to me as a black woman. I didn't know I belonged to the group that is arguably the most hated ~~and shitted on~~ group with the least amount of privilege. I read somewhere today that as soon as someone tells you how to feel about yourself, you lose all power. Ugh. Now Im aware of how the world, yes the world, treats black women, Im hyper-aware of anything that has to do with it and honestly it has completely shook my foundation and self-concept. I'm sure that I'll come out on top, but right now it's soooo hard to deal with this and especially the people I was once close to. Hating black women is so ingrained within us, that it's hard to recognize as a problem and therefore deal with. And it's EVERYWHERE, especially among black women--in the media, public institutions, private institutions, everyday convo, TWITTER, which is mostly composed of women, etc. Even I'm just now learning to love black women consciously.

2. Job search and education. I've been pretty back and forth about what happens next in my life, but I feel as though I have little control over that. There are so many people who have to be involved in your next move UP, that in essence it's really about them and what they think of you. So the next time someone asks why I care about what someone else thinks of me, I'll say because I ~~fucking~~ have to. And I might be reaching but, a poor, black woman's chances of moving up are reduced just based on her identity, but there are loopholes, and please believe I have to rely on my own creativity. Anyhow, I've been looking for employment and trying to decide on either more graduate school or hair school. I'll acknowledge that Im in a wonderful position but I also feel trapped. That whole "you can do what you set your mind to" thing should be extended to "you can do what you set your mind to on everyone elses time with the right resources, networks, and if you don't give up from all the runaround, idiots, bureaucracy, and hate first." Employment inquiry pretty much goes like this: "You're overqualified and inexperienced." Huh? I'm applying, I'm obviously not ~~over-shit~~ not worried about having a job for my major and I need to pay my ~~fucking~~ bills. Grad programs are like, "you need FULL TIME PROFESSIONAL work experience". Huh? Are you going to get me a fucking job so I can get in this bitch?

3. Romance and Dating. I'm just now, at the ancient age of 24 getting dating experience. That mixed with researching, reading, and engaging black feminist thought is ROUGH. As soon as I catch wind that a man I'm interested in is misogynist or sexist or happily and indiscriminately subscribes to traditional gender roles I can't really go any further. If I challenge them and they don't bite, I cant move any further. The relationship pretty much goes stale. I feel as though I can't engage in a relationship based on domination and roles. That goes for me also. During this time, I've also found that I have issues with men, where I call myself using their shit on them. And I'll admit that it works if what you want to do is control them, but that's not what I want. I want to live, be free and control me and therefore allow you to do the same. I've made strides toward that and I notice that people respond well to this but they see me as "mom"because I show unconditional love. It's like to everyone else, Im not Ciara, but I'm like mom and they could never successfully date or have sex with me because they respect me too much. People expect their relationships to be about dominating, possessing and fucking each other over... and... I can't... I don't want to...

4. The effects of 1, 2, and 3. Because of the shit above, I feel exposed, lonely and alone, tired, depressed, lost, distrustful, stifled. I'm learning to deal with it in the most empowering ways I know how, education, communicating with those who are like me, and remembering that I'm doing the right thing by loving me and therefore allowing others to love themselves and potentially me. Gotta stay afloat.

On the upside of things, I listen to myself more than I did before. I don't trust anyone as much as I trust myself. Im more sensitive toward everybody including myself. Im learning to consider me and only me FIRST, and everyone and everything thereafter. I have learned to take my time, not completely but that will take time. And I have begun to create my own way of living and standards that make sense to me contribute to what I want out of life.

Peace to parents who plant seeds and let their children cultivate their own land...

Watchu mad about? Why?

Watchu gon do about it?

Have you begun to channel your anger? Which direction?

Thesis Rant

2010-08-15T12:48:00.001-04:00

Im finishing my thesis, which is called Invisible Woman. It examines why and how black women enter and persist through graduate school.

Right now im writing my findings and the part that's pissing me off and is the part where all the participants report the need to be more competitive because their classmates and faculty don't expect quality from them. These are black women in muthafuckin dentistry, physiology and biophysics, and education.

How in the hell can one have fucked up expectations of the only black female in their first-year dentistry class?! Do they think people just get up one day say, "hey, i think i'll go to grad school". Getting to grad/profession school takes time, energy, intelligence, money and insanity. Not to mention a vast majority of the HUMAN RACE can't and dont go to grad school.

For one to doubt another's abilities in a graduate or professional program based on there ethnic, racial, or gender identity is fucking stupid. Get over yourself! You're all fucking geniuses (in the western sense) and you're in a position that's only occupied by 1% of the world. ugh.

Where's the angry BBM face when you need it?

I/She's Gotta Have It

2010-08-10T21:43:00.001-04:00

I would like to find this in full length somewhere on the internet, but I may have to buy it *sigh*. But that's fine since I've already started a Spike Lee collection. Anyhow, thus far I love it, however I'm bothered by the fact that Lee's vision seems much more progressive... I don't know I'm only 30 minutes into it, obviously. It just seems like all the Spike Lee joints are not only heteronormative, but extremely patriarchal. If I was clearer on his objectives with regard to how and why he frames black men and women the way he does I think this would easier to figure out. Idk.

DOPE doesn't even begin to describe her...

2010-08-09T00:40:00.002-04:00

Stunning, passionate, introspective, enigmatic, etc. I've always been impressed by music that could deliver some kinda uber-deep message and still sound good. Frankly anything, that can pull me is enough. On the other hand I'm partial to R&B, rap, hip-hop, jazz or anything surreptitiously considered "black music". Ms. Monae definitely borders punk/alternative/hip-hop electronica, but I think my affinity for her music has much to do with who's delivering it. We relate in terms of our assigned American identities and our efforts to assert our own identities and I have nothing but love for someone who has the strength to attempt such a feat.

Troy The Boy

2010-08-01T19:49:00.001-04:00

I KEEPS MY PANTIES CLEAN!

#RandomismExpress: Yo, WTF is going on?

2010-07-23T18:34:00.000-04:00

haven't done this in a long time, here goes...

1. Does anyone else feel like this Shirley Sherrod thing is one big ass distraction? Seriously. What about that oil spill, or that Oscar Grant ish, or health care, or rising tuition, or the freakin unemployment rate. Did u know that there's one opening for every ten people looking for a job in Louisville, KY?

2. Am I the only one who has a problem with the fact that Rick Rozay aka Rick Ross is one big fat fucking impostor? How u gon use the name and likeness of a man who's still alive to get rich and think u gon get away with it?! (The real Freeway Ricky Ross filed a lawsuit here)On top of that where the hell was everybody at during his last album? It wasn't better or worst than the new album where the beats are better than the lyrics. #imjustsayin #LarryHooverMyAss

Freeway Rick Ross Expalins Lawsuit (Video) | Rick Ross | Rap Basement

3. I officially detest The Dream's life. #thatisall

4. I make hand-painted earrings and I love it. Website coming soon....

5. Disclaimer: I like Jay-Z and I've listened to him for a very long time. He puts out some really mediocre shit... especially compared to his earlier days. #Imjustsayin

6. I watch Wife Swap nearly every day. Realtalk, that show is crazy. Im totally aware of the fact that its a tv show--a reality tv show at that. There are a million things wrong with the structure of the show--for instance the heteronormativity, but its so amazing to see how intolerant and ignorant people are when it comes to learning and accepting ways of life that are alternative to their own.

7. I am by no means a fan of Nicki Minaj, I also do not hate her, however I do think that her new video, "Your Love" is very aesthetically appealing. Say this shit and aint beautiful... and slightly goofy

8. Expanding my music knowledge courtesy of Brandon Antoine Lockhart who will be attending Florida State University for their MFA program:

9. I just finished reading Kindred by Octavia Butler, a black female science fiction writer. I hate sci-fi ANYTHING, but I loved the book. The part that got my mind ticking was the dynamic between the free modern black female, the enslaved black female, and "sensible" white male slave owner. It made me wonder (1) how much of ourselves is a product of our times/environment (2) how hard life might be for those who are ahead of there times (3) and whether love can really exist within domination. What do you think? Can love exist in domination? If so, how? What are your ideas of love and domination?

10. Ever wonder why certain people continue to maintain a relationship with you?

That's all I got people, thanks for letting me unload

10 Things I Learned/Realized While in Ghana

2010-07-09T18:05:00.003-04:00

Just some observations and reflections...

1. Despite slavery and colonialism black people in the Diaspora are unconsciously connected. This was trip #3 to a black country and damn if we aint livin similar lives. While there are differences that I might attribute to economic systems and location I am amazed at how much people on the continent and in the Diaspora are alike. Many of the things that I know black Americans do without explanation, clear meanings, or appreciation I found in Ghana.

2. Information on the Translatlantic Slave Trade and the African American experience is being lost, objectified, and left out. On more than one occasion I had to explain how I could be black and FROM the U.S. People would ask where in Africa I was from and I would say that I was from America and didnt know where I was from in Africa. They'd ask where my parents were from. I told them the U.S. I found that the best way was to explain that my family was enslaved in America. This dialogue typically happened with young adults and senior high school students.

3. There are people in the world who love and take care of each other. I have never in my life been around people who were so social, loving and responsible to each other. I find that Americans, in general, yearn for space and the option to only worry about themselves. On the other hand, from my perspective, I find these relationships to be repressive on some level, but then again individualism can have the same affect. I guess that's part of being human. Gotta find balance.

4. West Africans LOVE meat. Meat in every bite! Im sure veganism or vegetarianism exists or existed somewhere on the continent, but I seriously doubt that was the case in Ghana. Everything is made with meat. Vegetarianism is not common AT ALL. There were fish bones in my rice. #CaseClosed

5. Being comfortable with people who are comfortable with themselves is radical (given that they don't infringe on your space). Being comfortable with people who aren't comfortable with themselves is hard.

6. You would have to be there to know. The only expectations I had of Ghana was that it would be hot, rainy, and black. It's been beaten into my peanut head that Africans are hetergenous, so that's what I was working from. However, I was disappointed that many of the psychological issues that black Americans have, West Africans also possess and I'd argue that they manifested in extreme forms. I could be off base and vision skewed but hey... Things that bothered included colorism, homophobia, and the pressure for women to have children.

7. Ghanaians dress very well. Nigerians dress even better. #Flyness

8. Money is beauty. Feel like Im behind on this concept but I realized that beautification is about demonstrating your status on your body. In addition, this seems to be something that women participate in most. Most men don't give a damn about your weave, nails, or makeup.

9. Music in Ghana isn't racialized. Or least it doesnt seem to be. In the states there's "black" music and "white" music. In Ghana everybody listens to everything. They didnt seem to think of music in terms of genre either. And it was nothing to hear gospel playing in the mall... or anywhere else at anytime of day.

10. Africans and African Americans don't understand each other or maintain a close relationship, and as crazy as it sounds, I'm not sure I know why...

5 Weeks

2010-06-30T07:35:00.001-04:00

5 weeks in Ghana, West Africa.
Some shit just aint important anymore.
Other shit, much more important.

For instance, time. Im ALWAYS in a rush to be in a rush. Im 24 with a Master's degree and a million and one options for what I can do with my life. Always catching up to be caught up with only puts me behind in some areas, especially if I dont operate on my own clock. The purpose of the trip was to study abroad. I took a research methods class. What I learned how to do is be patient. Wait. Take my time. Work at my own pace, and respect the pace of others.

I Definitely Have a Type...

2010-06-03T15:55:00.002-04:00

Ever since I came into my singleness I've tried to decipher what it is I like, what im attracted to and what has worked or seems to work in one way or another.
Now that I have a few victims under my belt i can figure out what they have in common besides me.

Dark skin (BLACK if ya nasty) (it's a preference not a requirement)

Small, athletic/muscular build

Young, baby-faced in my likeness...

Uber-affectionate

Artist/intellectual--singer, rapper, poet, musician, visual artist, etc.

Great sense of style... lowkey on the pretty side

Anal about cleanliness (that might just be black folk)

Semi-mama's boy

loves women

Challenging. Doesn't let me get away with murder.

Brutally honest. Aint afraid to fire a shot, but them shots got the best of intentions...

Charm for days.

Kinda reminds me of my dad. I think I'm on to something.
mmhmm.

Have you thought about your type lately?

Do you have a type?

What is your type and why?

Is that type good for you?

Got any tips on how to change your type if its not?

i definitely named all the good stuff about my type. not so hot stuff coming soon...

O_o

2010-05-22T00:35:00.004-04:00

My BlaKBerry wont come on. #thatisall

Let's Talk About %$#@&$#@@

2010-05-20T21:57:00.000-04:00

Listening to Lip Service on XM radio, Shade 45. Angela Yee and 'em.

I dont agree with everything the ladies promote, but damnit I love the fact that they talk about sex, sex acts and relationships in explicit language.

It's not for me to get off but to learn, teach others, and share. Kumbaya.

I realized long ago, I rarely hear women discuss fucking sex acts. The convo, if there is one typically has a male focus. Does he love you? Does he care? What you willing to do for him? What does he do for you?

Or there's a reluctancy and in many cases fear that she may look like something other than the Virgin Mary. Don't get me wrong I recognize the risk in admitting that you swallow, or your fave position is from the back, but I'm sayin. Create a safe space to discuss these things.

I suppose it's about being comfortable with yourself. How you gon be comfortable with discussing sex acts if you're not comfortable with doing them. (This is assuming you're in a healthy sexual relationship)

What of desire and lust? That shit exists. Acknowledge it.

What if momma's talked about sex acts with they daughters? in addition to relationships and birth control... I mean in a way that doesn't put the fear of GOD in you...

What if you weren't afraid of your friends' judgment? What would you say then?

(Talk about word vomit)

Check out back episodes of Lip Service here